Stunningly Live WWDC 2008 Coverage

Erin BarkleyMonday, June 9, 2008
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

9:01: Hello and welcome to another fine episode of Steve Jobs-o-rama here at PTTBT!  We’ve been sitting in the street next to a guy named Frank for a little over 19 hours now, trying to get him to buy our first-gen iPhone while he begs for change.  Not looking so good.

Based on previous experience, this page will likely not update in your RSS feeds, so be sure to visit the site and reload every few minutes to catch the latest and greatest news.  Unlike lamer sites like MacRumors and Engadget, we won’t lie to you about what really transpires, like last January when they all refused to post those pics of Jobs dancing the Macarena in his Swedish jumpsuit.  Censorship has many faces, folks.

9:06: Gizmodo is walking up and down the line telling people there’s been a mixup, and WWDC is being held in NYC this year.  Lots of cursing and people packing up to leave.  Walt Mossberg is weeping loudly.

9:15: Some kid just came crashing through the plate glass window at the Moscone Center carrying a cardboard box decked out with Apple logos, screaming “IT’S HERE!  IT’S HERE!  REJOICE!” before getting tasered and dragged back inside.

9:20: Word is, the box was a decoy.  Apple security just informed us they are interrogating “the mole”, and will “find out who he works for eventually.”  I can’t tell if he wants someone to cop to it, or he’s just trying to thin the line some more.

9:23: Starting to move inside.  Security is bigger than last time.  Scoble is refusing to be strip-searched unless he’s paid first.

9:30: engaget startda drinkig game afew mins ago fr evry time somone sez “iPhone” in line.  lolz!

9:32: Whymi the only playig te game guys?!?!!11!1

9:45: At the closed gates of Mordor waiting to be let in.  It’s funny how many of the press look like Uruk-hai, too.

9:52: We’re in, and PTTBT has taken their seats onstage next to Steve’s computer.  Best seats in the house, baby!

9:54: F**king lying scalpers.  Sigh.  Back to sit with the proles.

9:56: MacRumors team just sat down right in front of us, and they’re not even slouching a bit.  Expect chewing gum spitballs in the backs of your heads, fellas.

9:58: Al Gore just signed my iPhone, which is nice, but I was really trying to get him to buy it.  Sigh.

10:02: Is that Bono over there?  I swear that’s Bono on the far left side of the front row…

10:03: Ha ha, made ya look, Macrumors!

10:04: Just got told to turn off cellphones, iPhones and other communications devices.  Audience had a good laugh.

10:06: Crowd still not settled.  Shiny aluminum cattle prods are being brandished.

10:07: His Steveness takes the stage.  Doves flutter into the sky.

10:07: “We’ve been working really hard on some great stuff that you’ll never live to see.”

10:08: 52,000 attendees at WWDC.  4 of them have girlfriends.

10:09: 3 parts to Apple now.  Mac, iPod and iPhone.  Guy in back yells “Get on with it!” and is quietly dragged away.

10:10: iPhone 2.0 a great success.  95 million people in beta program, most of whom can’t actually afford iPhones.

10:12: iPhone now has push email support, meaning you will never escape the office ever again.  Apple employees weeping backstage.

10:13: 35% of Fortune 500 participated in beta program for Enterprise.  99% of them only did so because the CEO wanted a free iPhone.

10:15: Higher education participated too, allowing profs to further distance themselves from their students while charging top-dollar.  Steve demonstrates auto-reply feature with Harvard “I don’t know.  Go look it up” message.  Snazzy.

10:16: Various CTOs talking about how amazing it is to see contact lists filter as you type.  They all appear to be reading from a script.  One of them has electrodes taped to his neck.

10:17: Steve has retaken the stage, but his light saber was damaged in the assault.

10:18: Talking about the iPhone’s Core OS: uses the same core as Mac OS X, meaning it should run on shady 3rd-party PCs by July.

10:20: UI builder makes interfaces a breeze, so long as they conform to the strict standards laid out by Jobs.  Demonstrates “bad design” error, which wipes developers’ hard drives as punishment.

10:22: Core Location API allows apps to determine where you are.  Demos app that makes the screen go more and more grayscale as you get further away from your local Apple Store.

10:23: Building a UI by dragging and dropping elements.  Seems to be making some kind of notepad program.  Scoble swoons.

10:26: Reading quotes from developers who say how great the SDK is.  Good to see Fred Flinstone still working after all these years.

10:28: Inviting a number of developers onstage to demo their apps.  First is a guy named Jason who has made what he calls the best game ever.

10:29: It’s Lemmings! The fool ported Lemmings to the iPhone!  This is just great, now I’ll NEVER get any work done.

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10:32: Sega demonstrated Super Monkey Ball with tilt action.  Dropped iPhone on the ground during demo, and Steve started wailing on him with a baseball bat.  Apple employees are cleaning up the mess.

10:34: Next up, eBay.  Demonstrates how new app lets you add or bid on auctions.  eBay employee demonstrates editing existing auctions and… wait, he’s been selling iPhone GPS handsets?!

10:35: His calls for mercy fall upon deaf ears.  Steve’s RDF mindpowers throw him off the stage!  The crowd cheers, but does not exactly know why!

10:36: Next up: Loopt.  Obviously a web 2.0 company.  Steve jokes they should try using the built-in spell-checker API before starting any more companies.

****10:37: Allows users to harass their friends using their iPhones using geo-location tools.  “Like Facebook, only more annoying”.  (”Impossible!” replies the audience)

10:38: Next up:  Typepad.  Can update people on your status right from your iPhone and—

10:39: Steve shoos him off the stage.  “I thought you guys were from Twitter.  Who uses blogs anymore?  God damn hippies…”

10:40: Next up: AP (Associated Press): “Uh.  I… I don’t have anything to show.  I think I was in the wrong line up.  Nice work, Steve!  Hi everybody!”

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10:44: MacRumors guys: please don’t eat garlic so early in the morning, mkay?

10:46: Next up: a racing game for iPhone.  Turn the phone to steer the car.  Developer gives iPhone to Steve to try, but Steve refuses, saying “Jesus Christ, man, when you turn the wheel in your car, does your entire world shift sideways?  Does it?  What kind of crap is this?  Who let you on my stage?  Get out of here!  Go!”

10:48: Apparently we are going to get a preview of every one of the 45,000 new apps that have been developed for the iPhone.  Right now: a lonely developer from the UK who made a program to keep track of where you left your paperclips.

10:49: Ryan Block coughed “hurry up!” at the top of his lungs.  Nervous laughter from the crowd.

10:51: Now MLB.com, so you can get live, detailed stats on the slowest sport in the history of mankind.

10:53: Apple employees are handing out pillows and little blankets to help us through the rest of the keynote.

10:54: Apple’s stock is down $5 since the start of the keynote as traders watching in start to fall asleep and/or go into comas.

10:56: Demoing medical-based app for testing heart rate and brain function.  App immediately warns: “Prolonged exposure to iPhone demos may result in irreversible brain damage!”  Too little, too late, my friend.

10:58: Word is, Steve got bored and went home for the day.

10:59: Last demo comes from Digital Legends, which is a game.  They start playing it, and within 30 seconds the battery warning goes off.  Laughter from the crowd.  “We were waiting a damn long time to start this demo!” developer explains.

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11:02: #1 request has been for background support.  Bad idea.  Would drain batteries and cause cancer.

11:03: Like Windows Mobile.

11:04: Better idea.  Real, asynchronous, simulated background process reporting!  Makes it appear as if your app is working in the background whenever you check on it!

11:05: Enthusiastic cheering from the press in the audience.  Tepid applause from those who actually code.

11:06: Functionality won’t be available until September, “but it’s not like anybody important cares about that stuff anyway.”

11:07: Steve has retaken the stage in a stunningly graceful kung fu move that would make Bruce Lee weep.

11:08: Steve is back!  And… and… giving us a recap of all the demos we just saw.

11:08: The Gizmodo crew have started convulsing.

11:09: Asian character support added at the request of the Otaku Association of America.  “It was just too damn hard to write ‘kawaii~!’ on the old version”.

11:10: iPhone 2.0 will be available in July.  Free to iPhone users.  iPod Touch users pay $9.99, gradually making their purchases less and less sensible when stacked against just ponying up the extra $50 for an iPhone.

11:12: App Store available in 62 countries, giving developers 70% of revenue after expenses and deductions.

11:13: Enterprises can distribute packages to their special iPhones in a streamlined manner, allowing employees to get the latest versions of Solitaire and Brickles without having to keep track of versions themselves.

11:14: Now: something completely new!  Reasonably-priced hardware!

11:14: Sorry, couldn’t resist.

11:15: MobileMe.  Exchange for the rest of us.  Audience shudders.

11:16: Everything kept up-to-date wherever you go.  Mail, contacts, calendars, porn.  Everything gets synced both ways.

11:17: Incredible Web 2.0 apps that make you think you’re working on a native app, except when they time out because of a javascript glitch that will take the developers at least 3 weeks to pinpoint and fix.

11:18: Demoing web versions of apps.

11:20: “This site requires Internet Explorer 7.0+.  Please upgrade your browser!”

11:21: iDisk is integrated into Mobile Me too, meaning you can now… er… do whatever it is iDisk is supposed to be good for.

11:22: OMG!  Calendar can display by day, week or MONTH!  Eat that, Microsoft!

11:23: Web apps are so perfectly executed it appears paying for iLife is getting less and less sensible.

11:24: Can send files via iDisk over the air.  Phil demonstrating now by sending “Kung_Fu_Panda_CAM_aXXO.avi” to Steve’s iMac.

11:26: Phil just sent Steve and email, and IT APPEARED ON HIS iPHONE!  It’s… it’s… it’s kinda like my Blackberry, actually.

11:28: Demoing the ability to take pictures and have them appear on other devices.  It appears Phil thinks this is way more fun than it really is.  He keeps giggling every time another photo moves over.

11:29: Phil just received a notice that his lunch today with Steve has been cancelled.  “You know why” is the reason.

11:30: Mobile Me is available as 60-day free trial.  Replaces .Mac, whose 10 users will be upgraded eventually.

11:31: “It’s been a year since we launched the iPhone, to great acclaim.”  Millions sold, dozens dropped and broken, four of them by Kevin Rose alone.  Ready for some new challenges.

11:33: 1)  3G network support.  2) Enterprise support.  3) Third party app support.  4)  More countries support.  5)  More affordable support.  6)  Hip support.

11:35: Introducing the iPhone 3G.  3G as in $3,000, not network speed.

11:35: “All black plastic.  Solid metal buttons.  Flush headphone jack.  Feels better in your hand.  Makes you look cooler to your friends.  Will help you pick up girls.  Unless you are a girl.  Unless you’re into that kinda thing.  And if you are, give me a call first.”

11:36: Comparing download speeds, EDGE vs 3G.  3G finished loading a page in 21 seconds, but the EDGE network took 25 seconds to put up a message that said the requested page would be mailed on CD within 6-8 business days.

11:37: Sexier than Nokia N95 or Treo 750.  “People who use those phones are losers and will die penniless and alone.”

11:39: Demoing getting email on new iPhone.  In the time it took the EDGE iPhone to fully load the message, Steve was able to reply on his 3G model: “WTF?!  TTYL.  KTHXBYE”

11:40: GPS now built in to the iPhone “so you can tell which one of the Starbucks you’re currently in, and be able to plan a more efficient route to the next one.”

11:41: iPhone can now do live tracking, so you can keep track of your ex-girlfriends no matter where they try and hide.

11:43: Going to make the new iPhone available in more countries.  Starts singing “It’s A Small World” as a list of countries displays in the background.  Apparently Antarctica is getting the 3G before Canada.  Damn those penguins.

11:44: Rollout will occur over the coming months, so start lining up outside your local mobile phone store now.   No really.

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11:47: $1,999 for the low-end iPhone, $2,999 for the more expensive white one.

11:47: Sorry, that’s $199 and $299.  Available in 22 countries starting July 11.  “We’ve manufactured at least half as many as we need to, so don’t worry about a thing.”

11:49: Steve is forcing the audience to thank the iPhone team. “I don’t think you mean it!  Do it again!”  Scoble jumps on his chair for a standing ovation, but Steve says: “Too much!  Too much, damn you!”

11:50: Most of the audience is actively trying to pawn their old iPhones off on their neighbours.  They realize they only have a matter of minutes before the price crashes beyond reason.

11:51: Steve has left the stage in a puff of smoke.

11:52: Thanks to everyone that made this keynote coverage possible!

11:52: You’re welcome!

11:52: No really, you’re the best.

11:52: Oh go on.  You’re too kind.

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