Yahoo Warns Microsoft Spy Has Gone Rogue

Erin BarkleyWednesday, November 21, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

In a startling announcement, Yahoo CEO Jerry Yang warned today that David Sobeski, manager in charge of their “DataOS” project, has gone rogue and may be planning to “exact revenge from unspecified third parties like, say, Facebook.”

Sources indicate Sobeski, who acted as “general manager” for Microsoft until his recent departure, may have recovered some of the memories that the Redmond-based software company wiped before sending him to work at Yahoo as a spy.  A technician within Yahoo told PTTBT that on Monday, Sobeski was “complaining about a splitting headache, and then two hours later killed Janice with a bendy straw and coffee creamer.”

A spokesman for Microsoft denied that Sobeski was spy, or that he had been trained in the use of deadly force in the workplace.

“It’s patently absurd to suggest that we would resort to espionage to gain market share against our rivals,” said Doug Hemingway, Microsoft’s VP of Espionage and Customer Service.  “And who is this Dave Sobeski?  I have never heard of him.  He does not exist.  I disavow any knowledge of his actions, if he exists, which he most certainly does not.”

An unidentified source inside Microsoft sent PTTBT confidential emails that document the psychological conditioning Sobeski went through, including sleep deprivation, torture desensitization, and entire weeks spent using nothing but Internet Explorer.  Contacts inside the CIA call this practice “abominable”, but admitted that the shoddy tabs implementation in IE7 would indeed produce a ruthless killer instinct over time.

In related news, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has taken Yang’s advice to heart and has hired two former Israeli intelligence agents to serve as his bodyguards until Sobeski has been found.  A spokesman for the popular social networking site would not address why Sobeski might want Zuckerberg dead, but an anonymous tipster indicates it boils down to “not being able to update your status without starting it with the word ‘is’, which would certainly drive me insane, if I used the site anymore.”

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