US Military Covertly Deploying Luck in Iraq Since ‘05

Erin BarkleyThursday, November 15, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

In an interview with the Council on Foreign Relations in Washington, D.C. today, General David Petraeus’s adviser Steven Biddle made a startling admission that puts the already-strained diplomatic ties between America and Europe in danger.

When asked whether he attributed the recent decrease in violence to what is known as “the surge”, diplomacy or just luck, Mr Biddle answered: “All of those things have some role but I would put ‘luck’ as probably the biggest.” Within minutes, White House sources were working their Blackberrys furiously to downplay the situation, even as Ireland recalled its ambassador.

“It’s disgusting that they would deploy luck in this manner, especially given their past human rights abuses,” said Hans Meier, an political analyst at the University of Bonn in Paris. “The use of luck in a military setting has been outlawed for decades, and with good reason. If we start using luck, what’s to stop the insurgents from using it too?”

Indeed, after the Portertown Convention of 1965, use of luck was banned in most countries, although the Bush administration has recently made moves that suggest they do not believe any events taking place in 1965 really happened.

The extraction of luck in large quantities has long been a source of unease, especially after Time magazine’s photo spread of a pile of squeezed leprechaun corpses outside a warehouse in Langley, Virginia in 1962. A transcript of one such session, which famously “broke the luck cartel”, read: “You’ll never get me lucky chaaaaaaaaaaaarghghghghghg!!!”

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