Jabberman Has Seen CLOVERFIELD And His Head Rolls Through New York!!!

SkidsWednesday, November 21, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Hey kittens, SKIDS here.  Nice to join the party… and instead of  booze, I thought I’d bring an early review of the JJ ABRAMS-produced flick CLOVERFIELD, from avid reader JABBERMAN:

Hi guys, thought you might be interested in this.  Last night I was going to see ENCHANTED by mysssssister’s school, but must have gone into the wrong screen because after a few minutes, it was clear I wasn’t watching a movie about Disney characters come to life.  Unless that really WAS Patrick Dempsey crushed under that car… which’d be totally awesome.

Anyway, it turns out it was an early cut of the new movie CLOVERFIELD, which I was really pumped to see.  I had no idea what it was about, except that there was lots of screaming and yelling and a monster or something… and in its fullness, the movie doesn’t disappoint.  You remember the first episode of LOST, where Jack and Kate and Charlie are running away from the smoke monster in the rain?  That’s this entire movie, except it’s not raining.   And Charlie is a black woman.  And the trees are made out of concrete.

Where was I?  Right, the acting: since this is a JJ Abrams movie, most of the cast is from his other projects.  Greg Grunberg appears as the cab driver who gets splattered by a piece of falling debris (after mugging for the camera a little too much), and David Anders (Sark on ALIAS and Takezo Kensei on HEROES) has a cameo as a gay cross-dressing fire-eater with a lisp.  And be sure to watch for Michelle Rodriguez as a drunk driver that leads the monster on a wild chase around Manhattan!

But what IS the monster all about?  Probably the biggest failure of the movie is that they don’t really explain it, except to say “it is not of this world”, which is kinda a cop-out if you ask me.  The one hint we get about the monster’s motives (in an interesting blending if reality and fiction) is that it was a die-hard fan of director Matt Reeves’ old show FELICITY, and got really pissed off when it saw the ep where she cut her hair.  Hence trashing New York.  I dunno, seemed kinda weak.

Things really liven up towards the end when…



… the monster is about to kill off our heroes, but at the last second the smoke monster arrives from the Dharma Initiative, ridden by a revived Mr Eko, and they all get into a big tussle that trashes the few remaining buildings in the city.  I thought the ending was definitely lame: what are the chances any super-sized monster would like black cherry ice cream so much it’d swear off violence to get some?  Seriously, JJ?  What WAS that?

Some of the effects in the version I saw were obviously not finished yet, where you had crudely-animated Care Bears instead of people in the crowds, but overall it was very impressive and definitely worth watching.  I loved how they gave subtle hints that it was all just a dream, but don’t say it until the very end.  Best twist ever!

Anyway, if you have a chance to see this movie, you definitely should… best movie I’ve seen all year.  Next to ENCHANTED.  I love princess movies.

If you use this, call me JABBERMAN.


Lucas Tybalt

So there you have it, munchkins!  CLOVERFIELD unmasked! I don’t know about you, but I’m still pumped to see this, especially after the recent rumours that LINDSAY LOHAN is voicing the monster in the final cut!

Got a scoop?  Send’er in!

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