Spammers Give Up, Says Google

Erin BarkleyThursday, November 29, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Search engine giant Google told reporters today they had secured an agreement from the International Association of Lowlife Spammers (IALS) to halt all spamming activities as of January 2008, thus ending a dark chapter in the history of the internet.

“We’re pleased to announce that all spam will cease within 60 days,” said Rolf McSweeney, VP of Marketing and Spam at Google.  “Citizens of the world will once again be able to check their inboxes without learning about Viagra, Nigerian royalty or penis enlargement.  I mean, not necessarily.  Maybe you’re on that mailing list Sergey’s always raving about…”

Sources close to the deal tell PTTBT that Google offered IALS members $575M in yearly revenue to resist the urge to send bulk mail, as well as 50GB of free GMail storage and other perks.  But for weeks the talks were frozen as a faction of spammers stonewalled for more pay, ultimately resulting in a week-long lockout that saw picket signs spring up all over Mountain View, CA.

“Don’t send till they spend!” chanted Miklos Peretos, of IALS Local #044 outside the Googleplex, “I ain’t enriching anybody’s lives till they pony up more cash.  You heard me, no more spammin’ till I get… hey, waitasec…”

Ultimately, a deal was reached only after the company offered IALS members first dibs on a new service known internally as “Google Insight Beta”, which allows marketers to embed obnoxious text links in the search results, emails and spreadsheets of customers.  Insiders say the program uses context-sensitive natural-language parsers to ensure that each ad will be of absolutely no interest to the end user whatsoever, as well as traumatize any small children that may be in the room.

Meanwhile, Redmond-based Microsoft gave technology reporters a sneak peek at a similar project known as Microsoft Live Wrecker, which bypassed ads entirely by shipping unwanted performance-enhancing products to customers, free of charge.  The service has gotten rave reviews by spam enthusiasts, not notably when the wife of a Baptist minister in Texas received a box set of gay porn DVDs addressed to her husband.  Reverend James is expected to make a full recovery.

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