Banners Confirm Apple Testing Airborne RDF “iBombs”

Damen PeamuFriday, January 11, 2008
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Mac news site Appleinsider.com posted images today of banners being put up around San Francisco ahead of MacWorld next Tuesday, with the slogan “There’s something in the air”, which insiders say connects to long-circulating rumours about the Cupertino-based company’s plans to turn the majority of the world’s population into brushed aluminum-loving zombies.

“This is clearly a sign the iBomb is ready,” said tech analyst Mykos Jones. “I have to say it’s a surprise Jobs would put advertisements up about this kind of weapon before it’s deployed, but then again he did invent that damned puck mouse.”

Sources inside Apple tell PTTBT the iBomb is a “wide-range RDF impregnator”, which uses a photonic burst pattern to distribute a synthetic version of Steve Jobs’ infamous Reality Distortion Field across several city blocks from single source. RDF is largely credited with helping Jobs create “Mac Zealots”, who often argue the merits of Apple hardware that does not yet exist.

Sources say once fully installed, a network of iBombs would create a “mesh network” which could “rid the world of Windows once and for all”, as well as convince Sony and Universal to put their movies on iTunes.

Although the precise delivery vector of the iBomb is uncertain, some suspect the actual hardware was deployed in the form of iPhones last summer. The reputable Taiwanese trade magazine DigiTimes reported last month that a major chip vendor outside Taipei recently “landed a contract to manufacture Apple’s next-generation of mind-control devices, which feature a shiny 27″ touchscreen and 16GB of solid-state memory”.

An Apple spokesman declined comment on this story, saying the company “does not comment on unreleased psychokinetic weapons” with an odd, vacant smile on his face.

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