Experts Divided on “Star Wars” Shark-Jumping Controversy

SkidsFriday, November 23, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

A meeting of the International Shark Jumping Standards Organization (ISJSO) devolved into a shouting match today after representatives from Jamaica refused to back a motion to declare Jar Jar Binks as the defining moment that lead the once-popular “Star Wars” series into mediocrity.

“Meesa no likey dis idea, Prezzie,” said Rowland Yaman, Jamaican envoy to the proceedings in Geneva.  “I mean seriously, who talks like that?  I used to smoke up with Bob Marley, and let me tell you, even his retarded little brother Jango was more articulate than Jar Jar.  It’s a dumb character, not a shark-jumper.”

But critics say Jamaica’s alternate suggestion, Midi-chlorians, do not meet the required criteria of “people, places or events that take a beloved childhood memory and utterly ruin it to the extent that it makes one wish they had never born, inasmuch as to escape the horror of the wretched shell of an idea said memory has become.”

Leading the dissent is China, whose representative Xi Ling Bao argued that Midi-chlorians cannot be considered due to the fact that they were not simply made up to needlessly complicate an otherwise great idea.

“The panel must not consider Midi-chlorians for nomination because they are a real-world chemical in common use today,” said the 61-year-old bureaucrat from Beijing.  “I use them to clean my pool, and my nephew uses them in the paint at his toy factory.”

Analysts expect the ISJSO will not reach a consensus on the “Star Wars” issue this year, given the strongly-held views of the two sides.  However, this most recent attempt looks to end more civilly than the 1993 vote that ended with the expulsion of Finland from the organization, after tabling a suggestion that “the slave Leia costume was completely unnecessary”.

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