Iran Caught Importing “Banned” Chemicals

Erin BarkleyFriday, December 7, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

The White House today accused the Iranian government of trying to purchase large quantities of chemicals from China, after an Egyptian freighter was seized on its way to Tehran.

“The United States is shocked and furious that Iran would stoop so low,” said Defense Under-Secretary James Gibbons, “These types of materials, while not strictly illegal, are harmful to human health. In some circumstances. Sometimes. Now I’m not saying this is a pretext for war, because the President wants to do that. But it is. And we’re mad about it. So look out.”

Sources inside the Pentagon tell PTTBT that the chemicals in question are unspecified quantities of the product known as “Aquadots”, which can have hallucinatory effects when swallowed in large enough doses. A popular toy, they were pulled from shelves in November over fears they would give children a very different kind of holly jolly Christmas.

“It’s hard to say what Iran might do with a warehouse full of Aquadots,” said Langley Granger, a defense analyst with Fox News, “If they combined it with their illicit nuclear weapons program and worked with Al Quaeda to equip the insurgents in Iraq to bring about another 9/11, I think it could be catastrophic for the USA. I don’t want to sound alarmist, but I think we need to nuke those f**kers before they kill us all.”

However, in a surprise move Friday afternoon, Iranian ambassador Faisal al-Bayan admitted to reporters that his country had indeed imported the Aquadots, but not for military purposes.

“President Ahmadinejad ordered the toys for the use of the governing council,” said al-Bayan in an interview in New York, “It was decided that the best way to understand American foreign policy was to get high as a kite too. Unfortunately, even after Vice President Dawoodi’s apparent coma, we were still not able to make heads or tails of what Mr Bush has been saying. We are looking into marijuana next.”

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