Pediatricians Recommend Tasers for Fevers

Erin BarkleyFriday, November 30, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

The Canadian Pediatric Association unveiled a new campaign to educate parents across the country about the benefits of taser use for dealing with fevers in kids under 10 years of age.

“Today we are updating our recommendations to families across the country, telling them to move away from Tylenol, and instead pick up a family taser at their local pharmacy,” said CPA president Yasmine Rogers at a press conference in Calgary.  “Tylenol can be dangerous, and recent studies have shown that tasers are far safer for your little darlings.”

CPA guidelines indicate that rather than risking an accidental overdose of medication, parents should deliver a 5-second shock of 75,000 volts or more every hour that a fever persists.  In test cases, nearly 95% of children “immediately stopped complaining about their other symptoms”, and “fell into an unconscious state almost on the spot”.  Other benefits include “a strong aversion to misbehaving” and an increased likelihood of saying “sorry” for no reason.

Critics argue recommending home tasering is wrought with dangers, and the CPA should reconsider its move.

“I don’t know that I would really trust a teenaged mother to apply the correct dosage to her kids,” said Dr Paul Green of Carleton University, “What if she’s distracted, watching the best show on television, and sets the voltage too low?  What if she does it while they’re in the bath?  She could really hurt herself like that.  I think it’s far safer to just keep that responsibility in the hands of licensed professionals, where it’s always been.”

But the tide is already changing, says the CPA: next month, pharmaceutical products giant Johnson and Johnson will release a new range of home tasering devices under the brand “Tase Me Elmo!”, featuring the lovable Sesame Street character in the midst of a massive muscle spasm.

Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.

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