Bush Bans Growing Skin, Baffles Scientists

Erin BarkleyTuesday, November 20, 2007
This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

In a hastily-arranged press conference in the Rose Garden today, President Bush announced he would ban Americans from growing skin, calling it “a moral abomination we can’t let stand.”

Sources inside the White House sought to downplay the policy change, which has been sent to members of Congress in blue crayon draft form this afternoon, saying: “He saw the news about turning skin cells into stem cells, and no one was around to stop him. Just smile and nod if you can.”

Still, there are some that don’t see banning skin as a bad idea.

“This is exactly what we’ve been waiting for,” said Hans McAnikal of the American Association of Cybernetic Aficionados, “The big problem with robotic hand implants is figuring a way to wrap your old skin around them so you don’t freak out little kids. If everyone had no skin, it would save me so much stapling, let me tell you.”

Scientists remain divided about how to react to the President’s announcement, wary of drawing attention to themselves over a cause he apparently feels so strongly about. They point to the case of Dr Alfred Mencina of the Harvard School of Environment Studies, who published a paper contradicting official White House policy, and was subsequently found full of birdshot off a quail hunting range in Maine.

“Skin is bad, and I can’t wait to get rid of it,” said Dr Wilson Triplehorn, a genetics professor at USC, “Someone get me a carrot peeler.  And tell the Vice President I like his tie.  Heh.  Ouch!”

All content released under a Creative Commons BY-NC license except the contents of "TV" section, which belong to their respective owners.