Scientology Miffed at Anonymous

Erin BarkleyWednesday, February 27, 2008

This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Worldwide powerhouse Religion® Scientology today released an open letter to Anonymous, the faceless mob of internet-based critics, sharply criticizing the group’s tactics and poor form.

“We’ve been expecting you for over a month now, and still nothing,” wrote Ludwig Peachance, Scientology’s west coast BSE rep, “It’s just rude, really. Every time the doorbell rings, the kids get all excited and run to the door, and it’s never you. If we should ‘expect you’, please have the common courtesy to show up. Or at least call to say you’ll be late.”

Kenny Iozen, a spokesman for Helsinki-based Anonymous, refused comment for this story, but in an off-the-record phone call said the issue boiled down to logistics and planning glitches due to the fact that nobody in the organization knows who anyone else is. A recent attempt to decide on the visual theme for the group’s phpBB forum snowballed into a worldwide rally that snarled traffic in London for hours, all because “the most subtle means of communication we’ve got right now are YouTube videos”.

Another anonymous Anonymous member explained the current hold-up in sitting down with Scientology boils down to “the rules of engagement”. Some members reportedly want to show up for tea wearing Guy Fawkes masks and carrying various oriental weapons for show, while others debate the merits of bringing scones instead of butter cookies. The butter cookies currently enjoy a 10 point lead.

Scientology, for their part, do not care about excuses.

“You’ve been far too vague about it all,” continued the letter, posted to the group’s website, “You say ‘we are legion’, but how many is that exactly? A Roman republic legion was 4,200 men, so do we need to rent a hall? We’re trying to arrange for brain-altering machines to cover the whole group, but honestly, we can’t just keep them on standby forever. Tom Cruise goes through them like you wouldn’t believe.”

Erin Barkley is the author of the upcoming book “John McCain and the Truth Behind the Forthcoming Worldwide Recession: How Corporate Greed and Two Pineapples Destroyed the American Dream”.