Quick Notes: Paul in Surprise NH Victory, Clinton Breaks Down

Erin BarkleyTuesday, January 8, 2008

This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

CNN is reporting that Ron Paul has pulled ahead of John McCain in the New Hampshire primaries, and is expected to win the state’s 1.5 delegates in a landslide: “Returns are in from Gibbler’s Gob – New Hampshire’s most populous city with over 100 residents – and it looks as though Paul will finish the day with 85% of the vote.” Analysts say the turnout can largely be attributed to the recent endorsement of tech maven Kevin Rose, who is very influential in a state so small and cold there is little else to do but browse Digg all day.

John McCain won a key endorsement from the Association American Families Struggling With Bipolar Disorder, after “it became clear Senator McCain also suffers from extreme mood swings that diminish his ability to make rational judgments or maintain a consistent personality over a period of several days.” However, Fox News questions whether the association’s members can be counted on to feel well enough to vote in November.

Hillary Clinton, reeling from a perception that her teary moment at a campaign stop on Monday was fabricated, broke down at coffee shop in New Hampshire Tuesday, where she reportedly “beat her breast, tore her hair, and wept sweet tears of sorrow and fear” at the thought of Barack Obama winning the Democratic nomination. Observers say this latest stunt proves that the recent hiring of a lead Google engineer has indeed improved the perception that Clinton is in fact human, although one analyst suggested her handlers use less Shakespeare in the Hillary 3.1 software in the future.