Bush Explodes Pardoned Turkey

Erin BarkleyThursday, November 22, 2007

This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

In an embarrassing move sure to cloud the remainder of his presidency, President Bush authorized the detonation of “May”, one of the two thanksgiving turkeys he had pardoned just days before.

“I can confirm that an unidentified fowl was killed by explosives at a security checkpoint near the White House,” said Secret Service spokesman Riley Corman. “The bird refused to give its name and appeared unreasonably agitated. Beyond that, we obviously have no comment at this time. Pass the gravy.”

Friends of May the Turkey tell PTTBT she had not been suffering from depression, despite rumours published on the Drudge Report website early Thursday. In interviews with CNN and Fox News, Margie Wilson of Dubois, Indiana accused the Bush administration of deliberately targeting the bird for political reasons, after it was revealed that May would endorse Hillary Clinton for President.

The White House, typically, denied the accusation.

“Look, we don’t blow people up just because they vote the wrong way,” said Dana Nelson, assistant Press Secretary. “Send them to a secret prison camp, sure, but blowing them up draws too much attention.”

Bush supporters worked the airwaves all afternoon to defuse the situation under the banner “War on Turkey”, which reportedly prompted a frantic phone call from the Turkish ambassador to the State Department. And reports from across the midwest indicate many Americans were throwing out their turkey dinners, opting instead for “Freedom Chickens”.

But it was Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly that eventually calmed the Thanksgiving fever by pointing out that there was no hard evidence to support the notion that May was actually anti-Bush. While interviewing Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani – who pledged strict new measures to control the turkey population in “this post-9/11 world” – O’Reilly cut his audio to observe: “I think this is all just out of control. I mean, do we really know she was a Democrat? Just because someone looks like Ted Kennedy, it doesn’t make them a liberal.”