aXXo Tops Paul’s List of VP Candidates

Erin BarkleyWednesday, November 28, 2007

This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Famed bittorrent ripper aXXo is reportedly the top contender to be Ron Paul’s running mate if he were to win the Republican nomination in 2008, according to documents obtained by PTTBT.

“Obviously it’s too early to comment on such matters, but I know the congressman is a big fan,” said a staffer who declined to be named. “None of us on the campaign would’ve been able to see Ocean’s 13 without him. He’s a swell guy.”

Sources close to aXXo confirm he is indeed considering Paul’s offer, and has gone so far as to put his charitable activities on hold while he works out the logistics of a summer campaign. However, many of his fans are upset that upcoming DVD rips will not be available with the same guarantee of quality. One web forum user nicknamed ‘dandruff‘ panned the move, writing: “Ron Paul + aXXo = lame saturdays. no digg.”

Rival candidates from both parties spent Wednesday afternoon scrambling to stake their own territory in the unexpectedly hot world of online culture: sources suggest Rudy Giuliani is courting “DVD” Jon Johansen, while the Clinton campaign is in heated talks with Richard Stallman.

“We look forward to presenting our vision for the future of America with Mr Stallman,” said Clinton spokesman Henry Moosepaw, “Though not in person, because dear god the smell might kill someone.”

Pundits had mixed reviews for Paul’s drafting of a pirate celebrity, with one Fox News guest suggesting “it will destroy his chances for the White House. This time for sure.” Others say the addition of aXXo could, in fact, help the dark horse candidate’s campaign, citing the effect of high-value “vision seeders” in ratio to “Democrat leeches”, at least in neighbourhoods unserviced by Comcast.

“Adding someone like aXXo to the ticket makes the race a lot more dynamic,” said Jason Nutmerg of Applied Corrugated Concepts, “But I do wonder whether those insipid vermin in Washington would tolerate his tireless work ethic and concern with quality. If I were them, I’d start releasing good torrents now, just so they don’t look bad when he gets there. And not C-SPAN like last time.”

Note: Various words in this article have fallen victim to Text Links for Hope, a fund raising drive for sick kids.