God Blasts Blair’s “Nutter” Comment

Jake PurcellSunday, November 25, 2007

This post is part of Push the Third Button Twice, a ~2 month adventure where I would write parody articles based on the news as it happened — in 15 minutes or less. The posts are credited to my a fictional "staff", but they're actually all me. I apologize in advance.

Tony Blair earned a stinging rebuke from God Sunday, as the Creator of All Things publicly trashed the former British Prime Minister in his personal blog, noreallyimgod.blogspot.com.

“What, I’m not good enough for you anymore?” read an entry posted early this morning. “And after all those nights wasted listening to you whining on about ‘Why don’t people like me? Why do they hate me?’ Bah! Next time you ask for anything, I’m gonna go all 28 Days Later on your ass! Rotten little pissant.”

The attack comes after public reports that, in a BBC One program to air December 2, Blair said he feared talking about his faith publicly would result in the British public thinking he was a “nutter”.

“The ironic thing is, most people thought he was a nutter anyway,” said Sir Alistair Grimwald of Oxford’s School of Political Science. “If he’d come out and said it had something to do with God, I think we all would have slept better at night. We’ve had religious quacks in Britain for centuries, and we’ve had great practice shipping them off to America.”

Still, Blair insists that it was crucial for him to keep his affair with God secret while in office, claiming the public was by and large too stupid to understand that personal values and public policy need not intersect. In the BBC interview he said he feared the blithering ignorant masses would think he would “commune with the man upstairs [God] and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’.”

“In reality, the Prime Minister chose to commune with the man in Washington, and then come back and say ‘Right, I’ve been told the answer and that’s it’,” said Pattison Lewis, former assistant to Blair. “God did not factor into it one bit. Not directly anyway.”

For His part, God acknowledges that Blair very seldom took his advice to heart.

“It’s true, Tony never really listened to me,” read a second blog entry later Sunday morning. “I mean, I did warn him not to get into that Iraq mess, so maybe it’s best he didn’t throw my name about, else I’d look like a nutter too.”